


Just Press Play

by ConfessionForAnotherTime



Series: Recordings [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Death, Heavy Angst, M/M, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 16:57:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4843190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfessionForAnotherTime/pseuds/ConfessionForAnotherTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Locus can't stop listening to the audio logs in Felix's helmet following his death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Press Play

\---

Why did he even keep the damn thing around? Every time he looked at it, he couldn’t stop hearing his voice. It started soft at first, only hitting him when he was alone. Since fleeing the temple on Chorus, he kept the shadows in Armoria in hopes of finding a ship to get him off world after Hargrove fell. It took weeks to find a shuttle to sneak onto regardless, clutching the only reminder of him Locus had left.

When he learned he couldn’t get the logs out of his helmet without erasing them, he grabbed it and ran. It didn’t matter that it was impractical. It didn’t matter that it stuck out like a sore thumb. It didn’t matter that it reminded him of the years of his life that he spent with someone he professed to hating, despising, loathing, only to find he was the only person in the galaxy he couldn’t live without. With the sword on his hip, SAW on his back and pistol at his side, he clung to the helmet. Each sleepless night showed him a new dent, a scrape he hadn’t seen before, a scratch in the paint he had missed previously. Small reminders of Felix all over, and that was without him playing the logs in the helmet. Locus found more after a while.

 

_Luca,_

_Do you ever wonder what it would be like to get out of here? I know we won’t but there’s always that dream that we can retire. We could get those things we wanted. See those places. I still want to rob that bank you know, and I want you to be there. I always figured after we finished on Chorus, the two of us would wander on to the next job. Something. Anything. Live out more of those lazy mornings. Those lazy mornings are the best though. The ones where I don’t have to worry about getting out of bed because I know you don’t want to leave too and we can just stay there. We haven’t had a reason to be lazy since before Chorus and I miss it so fucking much. There hasn’t been enough time for the two of us and I want to get more of that after Chorus. It’s just hard being at this base with these idiots. I know you have the same level of bullshit to deal with but I need you. I’ll always need you, more than you’ll ever know. We need to set this rock on fire so we can get out of here and we can get back to what matters: lazy mornings. I mean, do you ever wonder why we’re still here?_

 

Locus remembered lazy mornings. Lazy mornings where the two of them could curl around each other until they woke up and Locus could leave before Felix woke up. The last several years on Chorus had made much of their partnership difficult because of how much the two of them would have to be apart. The last year though, it was harder to return to that closeness. Tensions were high. It created a rift between the two of them after a while… as it got closer to the end. The scratches on the cheek of Felix’s helmet felt rough under his touch. This planet had cost them so much.

 

_Bah bah bah dah dah. Fuck yeah. Heading to the mess hall, gonna get some food-- hi Jackson. No. No. I think he’s still asleep. Fuck if I know. Whatever. Tsh tshstshstsh yeah. Fuck! I don’t usually trip when I twirl like that. Goddammit. Oh, it was because of that-- PICK UP YOUR FUCKING SHIT YOU FUCKING PIRATE ASSHOLES OR I WILL SLIT YOUR THROATS. God. Everyone around here is a fucking messy pig. I SHOULD KILL ONE OF YO---- oh hey eggs. When did we get-- oh you picked them up for me? How sweet. If it comes down to it, I’ll kill you last. Yes. Oh fuck, you got--- these are real fucking eggs and not rations. Oh god. Yeah no, you live you beautiful person you. Fanks! Fucking eggs man and gah toast too? What in the shit. Is this because of Price? What fucking ever. I don’t trust him but his standards in food--- mmmPPHFF fucking hell that’s good._

 

Locus sat there for a moment, taking in exactly what this meant. This… did Felix not know that his microphone was recording? Locus’ fingers brushed over the bumps and scratches near the visor. The little things like this were what hurt him most when he could remember what Felix was like without all the pressure on him. Felix grinning while he cleaned his knives. Felix enjoying so many things and sharing that bit of happiness with him that he wouldn’t show to anyone else. He hadn’t touched eggs in months since he had them after he first discovered this entry, unable to make them taste like they used to.

 

_Luca,_

 

_After we went into the gateway, I wanted to grab you, leave Chorus and just--- fuck the money. I couldn't though. I want us to be together, but I also want to see this through. I follow through. You know that. You’ve known that for as long as you’ve known me and nothing is going to keep me from seeing this to the end. After all this shit, all the crap we have dealt with for the sake of this pay check, I just need to see it to the end for the sake of knowing that I can make it through anything. I need to do this for me. I want you there with me when I do though. I need you there. It’s always been us, even when the squad was still around. We were always paired together. We always found each other after that first time. Okay, yeah, I know I know, you would call my bullshit on saying that I’m doing this for me, but you know what, I am. However, I’m also doing this for you. I’m doing this for both of us. We’re unstoppable if we’re together and you know that. You and me against that world. They won’t even know what hit them._

 

He wanted them to be together too. He wished he had the courage to grab Felix like Felix wanted to grab him and the two of them had just left. As much as they were together and in it to the end, he was still amazed that he was still here without Felix. Locus checked the battery life on the helmet right now, hunkering down on his bunk again and nodding when he saw it was at about 50% for the day. He swallowed hard, screwing his eyes shut at how much Felix wanted to get _him_ to safety as well, when he always just looked out for himself. Well, Felix looked out for him too. It was just too much to realize how much Felix wanted to protect him. How much he wanted to be there. How much he wanted to ensure the two of them stayed together, as opposed to Locus rotting away like this. He clicked the next log. The next one couldn’t hurt as much as this one.

 

_L,_

_You’ll never hear me say this, but all these whispers probably get into your dreams. Every single night, I’ll say something. Anything. Sometimes you wake up and repeat the phrase back to me, confused as to how it got in your head. It’s really fucking funny when I just repeat ‘eggs’ to you. The next day you just walk around talking about eggs and I can’t help but fucking laugh at you for being a dumbass. Locus, really, think about it. All those thoughts, everything you couldn’t explain. You might be able to tie it back to me saying something to you in your sleep. My favorite was always ‘you’re perfect’. You told me that once and you smile when I tell you that while you’re out. Last time your grip tightened around me and I had no choice but to be buried in your shoulder. I kept quietly pleading for you to wake up because of how close we were. You’re always afraid to get that close when we’re awake but I wanted you to see what we could be. Just wake up._

 

Locus woke up in a cold sweat. He clutched the helmet tighter to his chest, refusing to let it go as he spent another night drowning in the lilting tune in Felix’s voice. Occasionally he organized the quieter videos to fall asleep to. A lullaby to anyone who asked, not that anyone would. He had been alone for months at that point and didn’t see any reason to do anything other than odd jobs and cling to the memories of a ghost that had haunted him even when Felix was still alive. Locus knew there wouldn’t even be an escape even in death and at this point, he pushed the idea away, craving the comfort of the electronic voice of a long dead friend. _Partner._

 

_L,_

_Dude, I know I fucking fucked up. The Reds and Blues that I was supposed to be watching got away from me. You know what. I’ll fucking fix that I will. I’ll find a way to make it up to you. I just… I wish I was actually able to send these to you. I wish you could actually know that I’m sorry and that I’m not being flippant for once… but you won’t because I’m just going to fix it for that grunt of approval. I’m going to kill all of them for you because you deserve to have the job done right and I want to fix my mistakes on this one. Locus, I’m sorry. Please let me into your bunk. It’s been a week at this point…_

 

The third time Locus listened to this one, he grit his teeth at how stupid he had been to take advantage of Felix affections, as subtle as they were. He counted on him to be there no matter what and death hadn’t even crossed his mind as far as everything had gone. To listen to it now, as he did daily, he kicked himself for pushing Felix away like he did. Why did he do it? He jumped to the next one taking place in a different time. Locus had long since gotten over listening to them in order… When it was all he had, his lips moved with his words. He had started to answer the recordings, still wishing he could have these conversations.

 

_Luca,_

_Did you see that I got you a new gun? I was paying attention when you were fawning over the one that the enemy had today and you know what, I found a way to bring one with me. Yeah, it has a little blood on it, but I grabbed all the clips for and everything so that you can have a new shotgun. I know it’s going to look good on you and you know it too. Anyways. I put it on your bed. I had a few things to take care of so you know what, enjoy it. Field strip it. Touch it. I did this for you._

 

Locus pet his fingers over the shotgun in his lap, remembering all the fights he had gone through with Felix. He hadn’t kept a set of kill notches on this gun like he had done on his sniper, keeping this one for when he had Felix at his side.

 

_L,_

_The knives I ordered should be here in time before we head down to Chorus. They have these channels so that I can pull them out easy when they get stuck in people and they let me customize the channels so they’re orange. It’s going to be fucking rad. Yeah yeah, roll your fucking eyes, cicada. I’ll just be over here, being awesome and you can be all stoic and /mysterious/. Or some shit. I mean really, you could be happy that I found something that I like without having to show you every single thing I want to try out. I found the ones. I mean, what the fuck. You’re such a fucking dork. And the look on your face when I found that sniper model you like so much. That was awesome. So was the thank you._

 

Felix’s knives. Felix’s knives had become part of his life even more than anything. He still had the one that Wash had stabbed into his chest before the fall. He didn’t go anywhere without them and Locus had made sure to keep as many of them as he could find after Felix… had fallen. He pulled one of them out, testing the blade against the pad of his thumb. Still sharp as they would be from here on out. Maybe he would… no. What use would he have to purchase a set of knives for Felix’s birthday. No. Not after the last set came in and he couldn’t even head to the dealer to pick them up a month after he ran from the people of Chorus. No. He couldn’t. No. Felix’s knives were everything to him and he wasn’t going to cheapen that by grabbing any that weren’t personally approved by him. Locus hissed when the blade nicked his skin.

 

_Luca,_

_I know we’re going to go, but do you ever think about us, back to back, fighting to our last breath? It’s going to be you and me, together in the end and nothing is going to take that from us. Hell, we didn’t die when we went up against the monster. We didn’t die when we went up against those pirates. We haven’t died against the Red and Blue assholes. So you know what, if we do go, it’ll be togeth----_

 

Locus shut the recording off, unable to listen to it. He hadn’t gotten through it yet and he doubted he would be able to now. Not yet.

 

_L,_

_Did you see the way that Jackson was looking at you? I don’t understand what his deal is but I want to make sure that he knows that you’re there for me. I am here for you 100% and no matter how much he does for you, I have been through more for you. Mark my fucking words Locus, no one is going to stick by you like I will. No one is going to be there each and every day. No one will need you and if Jackson thinks he can be that partner for you, he has another thing coming because I am here for you in each and every way. He better not even thi---UGH. I just. Why do people think that they are as equally important to you as I am to you? Do they not realize that we are the top of this food chain? Do they not get it? I understand that Jackson does all your shit for you like a gopher, but you know what? He doesn’t have your back like I do._

 

Locus knew how much Felix meant it. He knew how much he meant to him and each entry that stated it just reinforced the mistake he had made by turning his back on Felix. He fucked up. He did the one thing to Felix that Felix would never do back because Felix cared more about the two of them than he did it seemed. Felix cared a whole lot more and his inability to turn on him until after he had been shown the door was--- Locus hugged Felix’s helmet tighter. “I’m sorry.”

 

_Luca,_

_I am going to fucking kill him. I will. I am going to fucking kill him. He is to call you Locus and no other name. Only I’m allowed to call you Luca or Cicada. Not him---_

 

The helmet flickered off. Locus hadn’t heard the lower power meter at all and he grew immediately concerned that the helmet was finally going bad on him, no matter the shape it was in now. He looked for a power source first, swallowing hard as he got more desperate in his actions. Come on come on. Turn back on. The seconds ticked by and Locus couldn’t hold back the concern any longer. No one was around to see it anyway and when his fist connected with the wall next to him, he started to think of what would happen if he was faced with the very real possibility that the logs would be lost and the helmet scrapped.

“Please don’t do this,” he asked the piece of armor, swatting his hand against it in an attempt to make it work better. “Please. I couldn’t tell you when you were alive, so I want to tell you now: don’t go.”

The helmet flickered back on, the critical battery light glaring at him angrily.

“I’m sorry,” he said to the helmet as he plugged it in, holding it close as it powered back to life. Once it was charged enough, he backed up the files to a memory unit and plugged it into his armor, even if he had no plans to access it. “I can’t lose you a second time.”

 

_Luca,_

_Your voice is like silk. Listening to you when you wake up is probably by far the best point of the day because of the murmurs you let out when you’re curling up closer for warmth. I don’t think you realize how incredibly sexy your voice is and how much I like it regardless of our partnership. Sometimes, I nudge you in your sleep because you make the softest noise that can’t be replicated by you just waking up or at any other time. You always sound so different during that time because I know for a fact that you have nothing making you sound intimidating. Though that voice mod is enough to make me want to follow you around just to hear you talk, though granted, I do that sometimes. I just wish I could say that without you thinking less of me._

 

Locus swallowed hard, remembering all the mornings where he was swallowed up by Felix’s arms and how desperate he sounded for them not to get up. He had always attributed it to Felix being lazy, but he now realized so much of it had to do with the genuine care Felix had for him that he was only picking up on too late in their journey together. Though that journey was just his now. Locus sighed, pushing the next button as he felt the hole in his heart get bigger. There was no coming back from this. He had lost the most important person who had taken up years of his life and he wasn’t sure how much longer he had left with each day he sat with this helmet.

 

_L,_

_I can’t fucking stand it. I can’t. I can’t believe he fucking touched me in the first place, but for him to insult me by fucking showing me pity? Fuck him. Fuck him in the ass. I’m going to find a way to make sure he’s never able to make me feel that way again. No one makes me think less of myself. Not a single fucking person. So fuck that. Locus are you going to let our boss talk to me like that? Are you going to let him degrade me and make me feel inferior like that? Reynolds is such a piece of shit and I can’t fucking stand it. ‘Oh you’re so cute.’ He’s fucking patronizing me everytime he does it and it makes me want to shove him out of the ship so that he lands on the ground with a sickening splat. God fucking dammit my blood is boiling and I just want to punch something. Fuck this. I’m going to the rec room._

 

Locus raised an eyebrow in confusion. Locus didn’t remember this conversation at all and not once did Felix ever mention it to Locus. He wasn’t even sure what person he was referring to and no other log he had listened to had anything in it that even came close to the amount of hatred and vitriol that Felix was having drip out of his mouth and burn the ground below him like an acid. It didn’t make sense. He swiped to the next entry.

 

_Locus,_

_Stop being a piece of shit with the swear jar. You know I fucking swear and you’re just trying to take what little money I keep on me. I only have a few dollars on me every time and it’s not like there’s an ATM nearby you know? You’re such a piece of shit for keeping up with it too. I saw the ledger you keep to ensure that I pay up. Well you know what shitass, I’m going to pay every dollar because I am going to find ways for you to pay up too. You know how you don’t fucking swear for shit. I’m going to make it happen. I’m going to do it. So yeah, there’s five dollars in there now, but you’re going to have ten by the end of the week. Mark my words, I’ll make you pay too. Fuck. FUCK. You weren’t supposed to hear me ranting about this shit. Ten dollars for this conversation? Stop being a dick. Eleven? Goddammit Locus. Twelve now. You’re such a fuckass. THAT’S TWO? EAT MY ASS LOCUS._

 

Locus laughed when he remembered this one. He didn’t know Felix had been recording it in the first place, only finding out about the diary’s existence a few weeks before Felix’s passing. It was the sole reason he went after it in the first place. He couldn’t leave it behind. Even if it was a bunch of nonsense posted for the sake of Felix’s hearing his own voice, it meant Locus still had something to hold onto to too. “Fuck.”

 

_Locus,_

_Please. Okay so I know Jackson saw me swat your ass, but holy shit, can you just fucking talk to me? Please? I mean come on dude. Just say something to me. The fact that you said nothing when you crawled into bed. Hell, the fact that you didn’t sleep in your own room for once. I mean, you aren’t that mad, are you? It’s not like he didn’t know in the first place, right? Jackson seems like that bro kind of guy that you would tell about all the chicks you were bangin’. Though you aren’t bangin’ chicks and please don’t do that. He doesn’t need to--- ANYWAY. I just. Talk to me. I need you to talk to me. I’ll do anything for you. You know I will. I’ll fucking clean the ship. Inside and out. I just need you to speak to me or something. I mean, I’m used to you not vocalizing everything you want to tell me and I can read your body language really well… but I’m not used to you straight up ignoring me, okay? Please? Don’t shut me out like that._

 

_Luca,_

_Okay so don’t be mad, but I just… I hate being a failure to you. I hate knowing that there’s a small part of you that gets sick of me because you know what, there’s shit about you that bothers me too. Like your fucking catch phrase and the fact that you aren’t as badass as you think you are. So you know what, I’m going to actually get the next one right because I can beat you on pistol stripping and getting the target. I will. Also, fuck you too. You can’t just take my knives to practice with because you want to. Those are mine. Get your fucking own or you know, ask next time. This is all stemming from me trying to cook that one night isn’t it? I mean really, I was fucking trying okay. So cut me some slack. I did it for you._

 

Locus let out a shaky breath as the memories of that meal came flooding back to him. He didn’t care so much about the rest of it, but knowing that Felix had been trying to cook something for him back before they even made it to Chorus just hit him with a strong intensity. He wanted to make it go away but Felix’s change from wanting to impress him a little and be closer to him to where he ended up hurt him as it got more pronounced. He did it for him. He tried to cook for him. After the sexual advances had stopped, Felix had taken more of an interest in Locus’ wants. Felix had been trying to make it better. Felix had tried. If only he had tried harder too...

 

_L,_

_You’re a huge piece of shit for just LETTING the artist TATTOO me while I was FUCKING drunk. You probably found a way to get us to a space station or we were already at one. I just know that we weren’t docked when we started, well, when I started, drinking and you know what, you’re a huge piece of shit. I mean holy fuck you egotistical ass. It’s bad enough I practice throwing with that arm when I have my knives, but to have to look at your name in the text that I know, I fucking know, you chose, well guess what shit head. You’re going to pay for it sooner or later. Seriously. Why would you let me do this? Unless you wanted me to get your name tattooed onto the inside of my wrist in braille._

 

Locus recalled checking his pulse, fingers pressed into the small dots, spelling out his name in braille. No one else knew, but the lack of life under the skin to the scratch of his gauntlet against the earth after pulling it off to dig a shallow grave as he left him, covering his contorted face in the soft ground. He wanted to forget that look on his face more than anything but he knew it would be with him for as long as he could remember anything. As he released his wrist, Locus rubbed where he planned to get his own tattoo… Felix’s name, same style. He always told Felix that he would get one over his dead body. It felt like a slug to the gut at how accurate that was.

 

_Luca,_

_Some fucking privacy on this ship would be nice. Like I can’t go ten damn minutes without someone coming in and wondering ‘Hey Felix, what the shit are you up to? It doesn’t look like you’re doing anything so I might as well get up in your face.’ Goddamn assholes. Like seriously, go the fuck away. I want to sit down and have a nice chat while I clean my knives and not worry about having to deal with the bullshit that comes with over 100 pirates mulling about in our business. It’s like they can’t function without us, which okay, yeah I get it, but what would happen if one of them walked in and we’re in the middle of making out or fu… no. I don’t want them to do that. That would be as bad as if one of them walked in and heard me tell you ‘I lo---’ Hi Locus. No. Just recording some bullshit video. People on the internet love them. Nothing. Just about me or something. Yeah. Yeah. Okay yeah I know. Of course they want to hear about my huge TV. You know what, you’re the only one who doesn’t like hearing about it. Shut up. I’m going to stab you. Okay not really but you’re being an asshole. Stop smiling when I call you an asshole. St--_

 

Locus froze. He could faintly hear himself in the recording. He didn’t realize how close he had come to hearing Felix admit everything actually to him. He remembered Felix’s expression, that faint look of surprise that he knew was way more intense internally than he would ever be externally. What he had registered as fear was just the intense longing that he could feel now that he was listening to this. Cripes.

 

_L,_

_Holy goddamn. Locus. Locs. Luca. Luca sweetie. Like, yous can hear me right now, right? Right? Wait no. Bad. Felix stop that. Pffft oh fuck I spit on myself. Gross. Whatever. Ugh, why the fuck did I have to walk back when I did after the bar just now because your hair was doing the thing that makes me want to touch it and do the stuff that makes you whimper because holy fuck are you hot when you whimper and just I need you. This isn’t the alcohol talking because like, okay maybe a little, but just Locus, Luca, babe, Luca sweetie. I_ need _you like I need air. I don’t think you realize that because you just, like you’re there for me and shit but I want you to be be_ there _for me. You know? Like, I could never fucking tell you think because you would think I was joking, but sweetie, Luca, I think I love you. It’s weird because I don’t even know what that feels like, but the idea of being without you? I could never do that. Not to either of us. There I go getting all sentimental and I fucking spill on the one clean shirt and now there’s beer everywhere, fuck._

 

Locus could hear how sloppy drunk he was just based on how he slurred his words and he knew that if Felix had typed it out, it would have been even worse. However, the affection in his voice at the admission, no matter how much Felix had failed in capturing Locus’ attention as he spoke made him pay attention when he heard those words. Love? Is that what he felt for him? All the biting remarks and snide comments didn’t feel like love in any regard, but the actions as he looked back.

Locus wished he had something recorded with Felix’s movements. Anything to show how much he gave a damn for him. It was in those little gestures. The hand on his shoulder before bed. Bringing him food from the mess hall. Making sure the blanket was around the both of them when there wasn’t the extra room and everyone assumed they bunked together anyway. All those little things added up. That look. The look Felix would give him after he kissed him, lips parted slightly, eyes half lidded. He never looked at anyone else like that. Fuck. How could he have missed it. Locus didn’t know what he felt for Felix… besides longing for something he let go of. Regret. Need. Desperation. He shouldn’t have walked away. He should have stood with him and even if they had lost, they still would have been together. Locus wiped his cheeks and picked the next entry, one he hadn’t heard before.

 

_L,_

_What is it with you and Wash? I know you wanna push him over a table and make him scream your name, or at least you would if you didn’t have me, but seriously? What does he have that I don’t? What is it about him that you want? I don’t fucking get it. I give you everything you could ever want and here you are fawning over that pathetic excuse for a soldier when you could have the real thing stretched out in front of you. Come on man. Just look at me and try to think ‘wow, that Felix guy isn’t hot. Maybe I’ll go chase after the haggard looking soldier from the defunct military organization that stole from our boss years ago.’ Yeah that’s cool. Goes over real well. You’re supposed to bring him in, not jerk off to the idea of him in handcuffs. I know you like them. But you know I know._

 

The snort that snapped him out of his reverie still stuck with him days after, sadly staring up at the gold visor of the man who probably pitied him more than anything.

"And to think Locus," Wash stated, extending his hand, "you used to be so much more. Now you're just a shell of a person, presumably tired, haunted by the memories of a ghost you refuse to forget." Locus stared at him, eyes going between his hand and his face, not able to recognize anything but pity.

"Didn't you used to say that memory was the key, Agent Washington? Why don't you let me swallow mine?" Locus’ voice rasped from not using it in so long. Wash shook his head, bringing attention back to his hand to help Locus up.

“Because memory is the key, not destruction.”

 

_Locus,_

_You fucking mother fucker. This is not how I planned this at all. You. Fucking you. Locus. I had the shield up and everything. You should have been right behind me. I held out my fucking arm to you so that you could grab hold and even out of the corner of my eye, you didn’t reach for me. God fucking dammit, Locus this is why you got blown back. I told you to get behind me. Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you get right behind me? Is it a pride thing? I know you can do this on your own, but I just want to be part of it. This is why I had to fish you out from underneath rocks and twisted metal to get you back. To free you. God fucking dammit, I should have kept you closer because if I had, I would have been able to cover you more and you got fucking hurt because of it. I mean, WHY weren’t you closer? Did you think you could handle it without me? Did you think that you could do this without me or were you just edging away from me? Huh? What is it Locus? Did I not do enough to keep you here? Was I not enough? Tell me that I’m enough. I need to be everything to you. I need you. I need you to need me. Please. I just know that I can’t tell you. You’ll never feel the same._

 

“Don’t worry Felix, I’m coming.” Until then he had to hold on to what little he had left. "I just want you to know that I felt it Felix. I just didn't have the words to say it."

 


End file.
